Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Secret Fear 2

By the way I forgot to mention in yesterday's posting. I did have girlfriends, the first I met when I was 13 and we became a couple when I was 15 and in 4th form. We were together for one year and four months. However, in that entire time we hardly saw much of each other; her mom was really strict and was often grounding her for some of really small things.In the entire time that we were involved we went on two occasions (Air Show and her School bazar) and had to meet secretly after school on two occasions. Her moving overseas was what put an end to our relationship. I met my second girlfriend when I was sixteen (on the rebound from 1st gf) and was a junior counselor at a vacation camp. I had seen her around at the mall and stuff; and found that she was gorgeous. She had the same affect that most attractive women had on me, hart would race at a mile a minute, my stomach would twist in knots, my hands would shake and I would have no idea what to say. Whenever she looked my way I would either duck down, hide behind one of my friends, or if I was out by myself high tail it to another part of the mall. I got an introduction through a friend of mine, or more like she made him introduce us. We were together for three moths before she dumped me for some dude that worked as a conductor on a maxi taxi (24/12 seater bus). My single streak was last into my Senior Year of college. In both cases, they were the ones that made the first move and initiated contact which to involvement.

Anyhow, after completing exams and escaping with only a few injuries from angry hot gorgeous Chinese girl. I opted to take some time off from school, and choose to start my application process to Colleges in the US. Unlike most of my friends who were either in school or working, I was at home doing nothing much. Which of course was no way to draw the attentions of the ladies, no way any of them would have given me the time of day. Sure I was applying to schools overseas, but that did not mean much to them. So from September of 1991 to July of 1992 I became something of a hermit. When I did venture out and came across attractive females in the immediate vicinity, I would head for somewhere else or wait until the left the store that I was waiting to go into.

My acceptance to a four year liberal arts College in the catholic tradition was a boost to my self-esteem. I ran into angry hot Chinese girl's younger sister and mentioned it to her; which I eventually regretted and had nightmares that she wound up at the same college and made my life a living hell. Thankfully she never showed up. Apart from being anxious about heading off to a school in a part of NY that I had never been to much less heard of, how I was going to do academically, and if I would fit in with the other freshmen. I was also nervous about the women that I would be encountering at the school. During my time there by some mysterious grace of the supreme being I developed friendships with several females, some of whom I still hear from today. Granted at first I found it difficult to walk up to them an introduce myself, but from either having classes together, being involved in the same clubs, living in the same residence hall etc made it easy to meet and get to know them better. Somehow at ****** it was not that difficult to speak to women, granted there were the snobs and the *******, but all in all it was not all that bad. I still had the occasional panic attack around the attractive ones that I admired from a distance whenever they were nearby. I actually wound up dating one of them for a few months, unfortunately being a senior and getting involved with a freshman girl (now that I've had time to look back at it) was not such a good idea. Ending it with her allowed me to partyup a storm my last semester with my friends, and I even took a really special ******** college sophomore to my senior ball.

When I returned home I found that:
1. Women here claimed that they were looking for a really nice guy, but were running down the a******s, jerks, moronic and the brain dead.
2. Being in possession of a Bachelor of Arts in History and English from St.**** ****** College, having intelligence, manners, common sense, common courtesy and a degree of modesty is not enough to impress these women.
3. The jerks and a******s get everything handed to them, while the rest of us have to work hard.
4. When the jerks and a******s mess up, women here will lump all men in the same category...AS DOGS...

Since then, I've given up on the dating game and withdrawn/taken myself off the playing field and placed myself on the bench. I've made a few attempts, but have been shot down everytime for a jerk with money, a car and bling. Whenever I come across a squad of attractive women out and about, I walk by rather quickly before the can catch a glimpse of me. On my way to and from work my face is hidden behind a book. Not because I'm really into the story (actually most of the time yes), mainly because I'm doing my best to avoid contact with the attractive women sitting next to me. Even if I were to try to initiate a conversation with her, what would I say? Even at the bank on the odd chance that I have to go to one of the really cute tellers, all that I can do is to hand over the deposits and look down at the counter until she hands the deposit book back to me and quickly hurry out of the bank.

As friends and classmates from elementary, high school and college are getting married and starting families of their own. I look at my life and wonder if this is how its going to be for the rest of my life. Go to work Monday to Friday, come home, watch TV, read, go to sleep, get up and do the same thing all over again. As for weekends, two days of reading and watching television, wanting to go places but having no one to go with. Guess the fear of women that I had back when I was younger has returned, maybe it will end and the slump in my social/dating life will pick up. If so when? And how much longer will I have to wait and endure? Thank God for good novels and television shows.

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